On Internal Conflicts and Musings

A couple of issues to take care of this entry... Bah. In fact, *points to title* I'm having such a severe internal conflict that I feel like sleeping through my holidays. Uh. The one-day holiday, that is, unless I decide to skip Friday.

Uh oh. Did I actually say that out? Pssh.

But anyway, back on topic! I hate conflicts. I don't like wars and arguments and fights and all those bad things. Most of all, I hate the internal conflicts I get because they tend to get so draining and by the end of it all, when I actually make my decision, I'm too bloody tired to get anything done anyway.

Woe.

Other than that, the Drama Elective Programme application form is out on the ACJC website. Be prepared for sparkles, though. The evil ones are on the site. Gr. Also the link is hidden on Firefox, and the background looks non-appealing. Hehehehe. But hey I'm going to love DEP (if I get in!)! They want an audition, though.

I'M DYING.

Audition?! GAH! Sigh. And right in between the prelims and the actual O's, too. My fingers are already aching from them crossing too hard. Oh boy. An audition. *gets cold feet*

Wulu: Damien Rice is love! Good music, good face, hot musician. :D
Ashley: Aiya. I don't know lar.

On Love

I have a new love in my life.

From stage left, enter Damien Rice. He plays guitar, he looks scruffy and hot, and he can sing! You can hardly fit anybody in that criteria these days now. Him, and Michael Vartan (Yes, change sing to act! AND he can play the guitar.).

Except, that said, the real object of my affections is still clueless while I pine on, hopelessly and helplessly, only because I'm terrified of rejection. We're at a comfortable stage of our friendship and I don't want to ruin that with a revelation. I could go on with what we've done, but I'm afraid he'll stumble upon this and discover it without me telling him personally.

Yes, I also know 'nothing ventured nothing gained', but what about 'don't put all your eggs in one basket'? Internal conflict isn't nice. Sigh.

On Preservation

Preserve Our Name, and Sign The Petition!

On Asphyxiation

Asphyxiating.

That's what life is, isn't it? The feeling of emptiness and despair that chokes you all the time. It chokes you and you feel your life being sucked out of your entire existence.

There are times you think, hey, life isn't too bad, actually. Then there are other times when you just want to dig a hole and bury yourself - and your problems - in it. You want to escape into a reality that doesn't quite exist.

Sometimes you feel the hot tears behind your eyelids, but you don't want to be viewed as The One Who Cries All The Time. You swallow those tears, painfully back into your heart. It aches, but you ignore it. The society drowns you, and you, in turn, can only try to stay afloat. Sometimes you do it. Other times you fail.

Perhaps one day, all these will be too much to bear. When that day comes, who will know what is running through your head? Are those happy thoughts, or ones drenched in sorrow?

It goes like this. Life goes on, eventually, but how much you enjoy it clearly and ironically adds a burden on your shoulder. We often hear success stories of the impossible - but when are impossibles deemed so, and vice versa? Who holds the authority to do so? Who, indeed?

Ad astra per aspera.

On My Academic Story Thus Far

I swear, blogging while on a hiatus seems aphrodisiac at times. All the time. Sometimes. Hah, I'm going a little crazy and hyper right now, though I have no idea why.

Maybe it's because of the realisation that I have to memorise the quotes for Twelfth Night, for tomorrow's test? Which is a test that I want to score well in (i.e. an A1, nothing less) and if I don't, I'm going to cry and cry and cry. But pssh, I haven't cried for anything related to academics since Common Tests 1 of Sec 2. This might be an interesting story.

Ah, heck, time-killer this is. I'm typing it up.

My academic story thus far:

The Foundation Years: Indeed, I was very hardworking during those times, the main reason being that I have incentive for it - I was ranked within the top 3 of the level each year, with those seemingly prestigious titles of 'Best in _______' in my grasp as well. If it's unbelievable, I achieved a first in standard with bests in English, Chinese and Math during Primary 2.

I was happy, extremely so. I made best friends with Qiwen (yes, the same one from 4/3 right now! She lived directly above me, and it was really cool now that I think of it: If she jumped on the floor I could probably hear the thumps, heh. Add that to the fact that we've known each other since we were ... 4? Yup.) and basically we were just competing to be the first and second in class all years round, until she had to move to Woodlands. I waved her goodbye and forgot to take down with me her number and new address, and it was only until Primary 5 that I finally contacted her -- or rather, she contacted me, hah.

But anyway, back to the academic story: It all went downhill during Primary 5. I'm not proud to say, but the group of friends I was with was more interested in doing useless things like watching TV, buying magazines, gossiping and spreading awful rumours about everyone and anyone. It was like a miniature version of Mean Girls. We had a mental Burn Book, and anyone who 'offended' any of us were, well, to put it simply, put through hell. Even teachers, I may add. I'm not proud to say this, of course. I still do keep in contact with this group (Jacqueline in Anderson, Meiqi in Chong Boon, Shang Geok in KC Presbyterian and Clarinda in Cedar) and we've all matured quite splendidly through the years apart. :)

(I do stray from the given topic a lot.)

During the prelims of the Primary Six year, I - or rather, my mother - got the big shock as my aggregate was something like ... 230? Now that I look at it, I wouldn't mind getting that score just so I wouldn't have entered Nanhua. My mother forced me to study every single minute of the day in the last month leading to the PSLE, and it did reap results, I've gotta say, since I got the grand ole score of 253. Nothing commendable, but it was within range to enter RGS. I wish I had done so, pfft.

I chose River Valley High School as my first choice, and Nan Hua as my second. The rest of the choices were spread across the Jurong West area.

The Crapshoot Years: As I enrolled into Class 1/1 in Year 2002, I was filled with a myriad of feelings: No friends in this ancient-looking (campus one was looking like that ... ) school ('Eww the uniform's white,' I recall myself complaining) with a principal who spoke in Chinese ('Ah so sian!' another thought as I sat in the hall). From then on I knew I was in an exhibitionist school, judging from all the awards and accolades presented during the orientation slideshow.

Secondary One's academic results were still pretty okay, since at the end of the year I still was ranked somewhere near the top-middle.

Secondary Two was the biggest landslide ever. I got interested in many, many things, many of which I can't even remember. Results dropped drastically, and when Common Tests in March rolled by, my results read something like this: B3 (that was English), B4 (Literature), E8, D7, F9, F9, C6, B4. Well, something like that. And it isn't exaggerated, I'm not kidding. I cried for the entire day.

From that day onwards my interest in academia vanished into thin air.

This was evident in the mid-years and final year examinations, and even though I scrapped through promotion to Secondary 3 it just wasn't good enough - at least not even for consideration to take A. Math and Lit at the same time.

So where do I stand right now?

22 days away from the prelims, I stand here with the belief that I can overcome all odds to achieve fantastic results to go to my dream junior college - Hwa Chong Institution (all thanks to zixian!) As luck would have it, my dream junior college is now Anglo-Chinese JC, because of the Drama Elective Programme. -winks- In fact, on my other blog, I set down these targets:

Common Tests L1R5: 7
Prelims L1R5: 9
O Level’s L1R5: 8

Wish me all the best of luck? =D

(This doesn't quite conclude my academic progress though; it's just a really condensed version!)

On Superstars and Idols

So that Jue Dui Superstar dude came to assembly today. Screaming from the girls ensued, buzzing about in the school hall and then naturally those came with the consequence of Mrs B Lim SCREAMING her head off.

Okay, so we're noisy and we're 'barbaric'... But the bloody whistle?! We're not dogs, you know. Neither are we in an army camp. But I shan't comment further on this issue, because controversy + me = bodes very well. Haha. (But wait! Wait until I get out of Nanhua. Bwahhaahhaha.)

Right, so that Junyang guy came to school supposedly to sing but HEY it was just an offkey verse. Pfft. I don't follow the series but I concede that the female contestant by the name of Kelly has a good voice. I'm just never one to follow reality shows, not after how I followed Survivor: Australia Outback in Primary 6. It was most silly, but fun in its own way, I'll say. That said, I don't see the hype in him coming back, really. All he did was talk about ... Eh, what did he talk about, really? Nothing worth retention, apparently.

What's new, these days, then? Nothing really, common tests left and right, revision all around. I'm getting hyped up over prelims and O Level's, and it's really weird because I'm not one for studying, and here I am wanting the examinations to come closer, already. Big weirding out here.

It's so warm these nights.

But anyway, the main point of this entry is to talk about what will happen if my idol/superstar/the man I love (oh boy)/the admired one (namely Michael Vartan) came to wherever I am (schools, that is) and how I will react.

Not by screaming and jumping about in front of him, of course. Disgracing yourself? Hah, what a way to charm your idol! Instead I'll probably look at him so intently with a wide smile forever plastered to my face. And shoving him with books and papers and pens to let him sign autographs of. (I have pictures of him ready on hand afterall... o_O Don't mean to sound as psychotic as I do, but I've got a small compartment in my folder with his printed pictures). And telling him, coherently and civilly that I love his works and admire him as a person (for Freeze the Disease, his contributions to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation; and his support for the Pediatric Epilepsy Project) and did I mention how much I love him?

Yeah, that'll be it in front of him. Perhaps get an email address or a number! Now that's a happy thought! Since if he goes to school nobody will really know him except for a selected few, and thus he won't be surrounded with giggling girls... Yeah. Once he's (sadly) gone, I'll squeal and squeal and squeal.

Fantasies are good! Really, they are!

On Grumblings

Well, woe betides me.

Gastritis hit me real bad, and I can't concentrate on revision and/or other stuff (that I am/not supposed to be doing, that is...). What a way to spend the National Day holiday.

I need to start on those SNP ten-year series as soon as possible, because I bought them (Math, Chemistry and Physics) two weeks ago. Barely cracked the Physics and Chemistry ones, and the Math one... I haven't even flipped through the pages. Bad, bad.

This post is chronically depressing, and it's simply a reflection of my mood. And the state which my body is in, really. I look in the mirror and I think, "Eh? What happened?" Now, of course nobody really wants to hear about me looking at myself in the mirror so let's skip this section...

Common Tests are next week, prelims are 33 days away and the O Level's are 89. On a slightly uplifting tone, the end of the O Level's are 101 days away. In fact from a distance it looks like 'lol'. Not that I sanction the usage of such abbrieviations in writing, but it was a pretty interesting note. To me, at least.

There's this guy in my class who actually does go 'lol' in speech. In retalliation, one fine day about 3 weeks ago I actually snapped at him (he sits diagonally across from me) and told him to 'stfu'. He didn't understand me, but that's all the better. I was probably having a mild case of PMS, anyway.

Whoa, the pain. *curses*

National Day went by yesterday, a day where Singaporeans get to display our patriotic selves by hanging out flags, shouting cheers and singing national day songs with gutso. Not. How much is measured, exactly? The louder you sing, the more you love your country?

I haven't been writing as much lately, but I've started a new piece of fiction. Yes, one of those I-don't-really-have-a-plot-so-let's-go-along-
and-try-to-pretend-I-have-one-so-that-I-write.

Woe.

edit: Damien Rice is love.
edit2: Self-banning until 24th September and followed by another self-ban from the 3rd of October until the 18th of November
edit3: Apparently I've got some form of abdomen inflammation. Pffft. The pain is KILLING me.